Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
These tits shall not be calmed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
