I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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