How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
