At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize