Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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