i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
