My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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