even my farts smell like vagina
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
