This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
