loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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