im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
