Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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