Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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