I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
