So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
