I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize