Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
