if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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