John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
