NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
