You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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