Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
