remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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