I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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