could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
