Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
