omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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