I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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