remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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