Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
