If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
