im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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