Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You can't special order awesome
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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