I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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