im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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