dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
