so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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