I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
