so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
