I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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