Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Randomize
