He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
