Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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