if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
