i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
