Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
