summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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