If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
