you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
