Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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