We need to rekindle our bromance
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you will always have a special place in my vag
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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