yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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