Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
