so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
