The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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