I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
