i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
